Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
