im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
