Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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