this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
