his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
