my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
