some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
