hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
