I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
