i don't like sucking hair
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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