His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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