I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
