I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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