i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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