Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
