I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
