true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
