she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
