Soap is not a condiment
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
