Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
