Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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