I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She bit a glass in half.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
