Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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