I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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