I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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