Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize