Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
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