3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Of course I have a pirate flag
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
