Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
