Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
