He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
