need another drink. this is the easiest way
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Rumble strips road head = magical
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
