Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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