I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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