You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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