When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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