I could make wine with my vomit
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
