True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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