yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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