o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
