somebody snuck up and got me drunk
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
