my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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