i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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