woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
