god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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