when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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