Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
