I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
