After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
