He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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