BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
