I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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