Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
