did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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