Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
