you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
