You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
