Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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