I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we have pet lesbian snakes
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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