Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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