I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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