You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
